When Love becomes Unsafe . . .

"In the beginning, I was young… he was handsome. He said I was beautiful, smart, worthy of love…made me feel that way and so we were married, walking joyfully together down a church aisle, our union blessed by God. Then came the angry words…the verbal tearing apart….Now I was made to feel ugly, unintelligent, unworthy of any love, God’s or man’s.

Next came the beatings…unrelenting violence…unceasing pain. I shouldn’t stay, but this is my husband…promised forever. He says I deserve it…maybe I do…if I could just be good. I feel so alone…doesn’t God hear me when I cry out silently as I lie in bed each night?

Finally came the release, the realization. It’s not me…it’s him….I am worthy of love, God’s and man’s. One spring morning, my heart was filled with hope and with fear now only of starting over on my own. And so again I walked…down the hallway of our apartment building…never again silent…never again to live with that kind of violence, to suffer that kind of pain."

-A battered wife

Christian women often feel compelled to stay in abusive relationships by scripture they misinterpret as mandating them to tolerate this behavior and "submit to their husbands" or "turn the other cheek". Abused individuals often feel abandoned by God.

"As bishops, we condemn the use of the Bible to support abusive behavior in any form. A correct understanding of Scripture leads people to an understanding of the equal dignity of men and women and to relationships based on mutuality and love. Beginning with Genesis, Scripture teaches that women and men are created in God’s image. Jesus himself always respected the human dignity of women. Pope John Paul II reminds us that "Christ’s way of acting, the Gospel of his words and deeds, is a consistent protest against whatever offends the dignity of women (USCCB, November 12, 2002)".

Have pity on me, O God, for I am in distress
With sorrow my eye is consumed:
My soul also, and my body.
I am like a dish that is broken…
But my trust is in you, O God;
I say, you are my God"
(Ps 31: 10-15)

As a religious community we are committed to minimizing any roadblocks facing the abused members of our parish and assisting them to find the appropriate resources to facilitate their physical, emotional, and spiritual healing in a safe environment. In an effort to raise awareness and understanding of this issue and the position of the Catholic Church in relationship to it, we will explore domestic violence this month.

Every 15 seconds a woman is battered. Two to four million women are abused each year and 4,000 of them die. Every 45 seconds someone in the United States is sexually assaulted. Domestic violence is a problem of epidemic proportions in our society. Statistics reveal that 95% of domestic violence victims are women, although men may also be victims. Statistics reveal that domestic violence occurs in 28% of marriages. 40-60% of men who abuse women also abuse children.

Domestic violence refers to a pattern of violent behavior exercised by one individual over another. It is not "marital conflict", "mutual abuse", a "lover’s quarrel" or "a private family matter". It consists of often, repeated and sometimes, severe beatings, or more subtle forms of abuse, including threats and controlling behavior (InterFaith Trust). Domestic violence occurs when one person believes that they are entitled to control another (dating, elders, children, as well as in marriage). Youth ages 16-24 are the most at risk of any age group. Teen dating violence is prevalent and teens may also be exposed to domestic violence in their homes. Millions of children are exposed to domestic violence annually. Approximately 20% of women and 5-10% of men have been victims of sexual abuse as children. Domestic violence can affect children in many ways. Young people may witness terrible or subtle acts of violence against their parents or caregivers. Some children may never see the violence, but they may feel the tension, hear the fighting, and/or see the injuries left behind. Young people may be injured themselves if they try to intervene or stop the violence. Children may be asked to call the police or keep a family secret. Regardless of the details of a particular situation, children and young people bear the burden of domestic violence too. Being a victim of or witnessing domestic violence is found to predict later perpetration of domestic violence as well as being linked to long-term behavioral and emotional problems, including delays in cognitive functioning, trauma-related symptoms, developmental-problems and low self-esteem (Family Violence Prevention Fund).

There are four basic types of domestic violence:

Physical Assault: Includes shoving, pushing, hitting, kicking, and restraining.

Sexual Assault: Any time a person forces declined or unwanted sexual acts on another person

Psychological Assault: Isolation from family and friends, forced financial dependence or control of finances, verbal and emotional abuse, threats, intimidation, belittling remarks, and exercising control over where someone can go or what they can do.

Attacks Against Property and Pets: Destruction of household property which may include household objects or treasured objects belonging to the victim, hitting the walls or throwing objects, or abusing or killing beloved pets.

Why do they stay? Fear that the violence will escalate if they attempt to leave, fear that a partner will take the children or harm them, fear that they can’t make it on their own.

What can I do to help if an abusive situation is revealed? Listen to the victim and believe. Tell them that it is not their fault nor is it God’s will for them.

• Tell them they are not alone and help is available
• Let them know that without intervention, abuse usually escalates in frequency and severity over time
• Seek expert assistance. Refer them to domestic violence counseling (not couples counseling). Help them to find a shelter, safe house, or advocacy services that offer protection. To suggest that an individual returns home to an abuser places them and any children in the home in real danger.
• Hold the abuser accountable. Don’t minimize their behavior. Support the abuser in seeking specialized battering counseling to help change their behavior. Continue to hold the abuser accountable and support and protect the victim even after the abuser has begun a counseling program.
• If restoration of the relationship is to occur, it can occur only after the above steps have taken place. (FaithTrust Institute)

• Threaten you, your children, or someone else you love?
• Say it is your fault he/she hits you and then promise it will never happen again?
• Put you down in public or keep you from contacting friends or family?
• Throw you down, push, hit, kick, choke, slap, or restrain you?
• Force you to engage in sexual acts when you don’t want to?

Domestic violence is learned behavior. People who batter learn to abuse through observation, experience, and reinforcement. They believe that they have the right to use violence; they are also rewarded, that is, their behavior gives them power and control over their victim. They tend to be extremely jealous, possessive, and easily angered. Abusers can make the choice to unlearn this behavior.

"Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing (USCCB, November 12, 2002)".

Please call St. Francis if you feel that you are in an abusive relationship. Father Jim and the staff and volunteers here at St. Francis are here to help you, please call: 734-769-2550.

Learn more about the Washtenaw County Faith-Based Coalition Against Violence (FaBCAV)

Local resources include the Domestic Violence Project-SAFE House: Business number 734-973-0242, 24 hour crisis line 734-995-5444 and Catholic Social Services Alternatives to Domestic Aggression (ADA) 4925 Packard Road 734-971-9781.

Local Resource for victims of sexual abuse include the Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti offices of the Assault Crisis Center, 24 hour hotline 734-971-3696.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to local service providers. Call 800-799-SAFE (&233). E-mail assistance is available at ndvh@ndvh.org. In some communities cell phones programmed to 911 are made available to abused women.

Stalking and Cyberstalking, harassing behavior or threatening behavior that happens repeatedly, is a larger problem in America. Currently it is believed that 1.4 million victims are stalked each year and countless more are cyberstalked, which involves use of the Internet or other electronic communication to harass or threaten someone repeatedly. More information about stalking can be found online at www.antistalking.com and www.stalkingassistance.com.

Someone you know may be in an abusive relationship.
It’s a sign of abuse if her partner…

• Calls her names, insults her, constantly criticizes her, or humiliates her.
• Isolates her from family and friends.
• Monitors where she goes and how she spends her time.
• Controls finances, refuses to share money, or gives her an allowance.
• Threatens to have her deported or to report her to a welfare agency.
• Threatens to take the children away.
• Threatens to kill or hurt her, the children, other family members, or pets.
• Threatens her with a weapon.
• Destroys property, such as household furnishings.
• Pushes, slaps, hits, bites, kiks, or chokes her.
• Forces her to have sex or to perform sexual acts.

For more information or referral to local domestic violence shelters,
call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233); TTY:800-787-3224.

To see the full text of the U.S. bishops’ statement When I Call for Help,
go to www.usccb.org/laity/women.htm
 

Some Local Programs for Addressing Domestic Abuse:
The Domestic Violence Project, Inc./ SAFE House   provides services for any person victimized in an intimate relationship who lives or works in Washtenaw County, Michigan.  (734-995-5444) <www.comnet.org/dvp/>

Alternatives to Domestic Aggression  (ADA)   specializes in working with men to stop their use of abuse or battering. The purpose of ADA is to end domestic violence and abuse in our community. ADA is a program of Catholic Social Services of Washtenaw County.    (734-971-9781)   <www.csswashtenaw.org/ada/>

Please share your gifts!  If you are interested in the St. Francis Health Ministry, please call 821-2115.

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